Long time fan first time blogger (questions by Jon McLaughlin)

Okay so long time fan first time blogger is going to be the theme for if I have had something for a while or known something for a while but it suddenly hits home.  This will prolly mostly be songs because thats what speaks to me the most.  The song that i heard today that really hit home was Questions by Jon McLaughlin.  It is not new to my music list I guess I just actually started listening to the words more.  The part that caught my attention is "How can He have forgiveness that flows when no one forgives me

Yet it's Jesus they know"

Grace/forgiveness is a concept that I understand in book  terms but dont understand it played out.  I have talked with poeple about this and it has been a huge stumbling block for me.  I understand it is by grace and grace alone we are saved and my salvation comes through Jesus Christ death on a cross but thats about it.  Even though I put my salvation in Christ I still find myself trying to earn it.  I still find myself trying to be perfect and hide all my flaws in order to somehow make people stick around and almost like im trying to make God stick around (although I know hes not going anywhere).  Its just strange how I can know and not know at the same time.  If your confused dont worry we are in the same boat. 

I think it has to come from the fact that I have never been given grace or seen it played out toward me is why I cant seem to grasp that.  I beat myself up alot over my weaknessess and my short comings and dont ever truely forgive myself though I ask forgiveness from God.  That is where the song came in.  Christians have not shown me grace and therefore I feel as if it does not exist for me in a way.  That people will always remeber me for my failures and continue to throw it in my face.  I have had this happen from teachers, friends, family, past relationships (more than one), and many other places.  Any time that I have messed up I have had people gasp as if I had screwed up something perfect. News flash people IM NOT PERFECT AND I NEVER WILL BE SO STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO BE!!!

Becuase I feel like I have to be perfect many times in my every day life I then tend to try to be perfect in my spiritual life.  Now striving for perfection and killing yourself over it are two different things.  My goal is perfection cause Christ was perfect but I shouldnt be constantly scared of messing up and constantly worried about the conciquiences.  I think this fear to mess up has caused me to stand still in a state of fear and loose all chance of progress to grow as a Christan.  To take chances and grow invites an entirely new group of ways to mess up so I just stand still where I can keep up this state of psuedoperfectin. 

Its a wonder i have even brought myself to write this blog cause this tells everyone that im not perfect.  Which strangly enough I dont think people realize sometimes.  Or sometimes they tell themselves that I must have a couple small things wrong with me like white lies or something.  Again I screw up and its not just small things.  I have screwed up majorly in my life and i have fogiveness from it but I somehow feel like I get forgiveness from the results but not from the emotions it causes.  Kinda like God is still waiting thinking "Man Adam is so anoyying hes always messing up. I wish he would get something right"

Now I know that this all may not sound biblical but its how I feel.  I know the scriptures and I could prolly tell you exactly what someone would say to someone dealing with this.  I just dont think it is going to hit home until Gods people stop being so demanding of people i.e. me and asking us to be perfect.  Let us just come and join in and worship the one who is without having to be ourselves.